Oscar's Pocket Problem
by Epona64
Summary: -PoR, Ch. 13- Poor Oscar discovers an unsettling problem with his pants...


_Oh hoho, look, I'm starting something else! Well, due to certain recent events, I'm going to have to move to a different state soon, so this may be my last update for a while. _

_Anyways, my younger sister was playing Path of Radiance a few weeks ago, and whenever she plays anything, she talks to herself. Some of the things she said I felt were worthy to be made into a one-shot. Which is where the title came from._

_Right now, I have six or seven ideas, mostly about PoR, and a couple for RD. Later on, I might have some Sacred Stones ones, and if I get lucky and get FE7 back perhaps I will write some for that game too._

_This one in particular takes place in chapter 13 I believe of PoR, and follows Oscar around. If you've read another one of my FE stories that I posted for my sister, I Gots a Priest in my Pocket, you would know that whenever anyone rescues someone else, we consider the one being rescued to be in the rescuer's 'pocket'. That premises is very important here. _

* * *

Oscar's Pocket Problem

The day couldn't possibly get any worse, Oscar decided. First his horse had gotten sick from the constant rocking of the ship, then he and the rest of the Crimeans were sent out to protect the apostle, and now, he and every other fighter present had to run across thin planks between three ships with the blue waters threatening to swallow any who dared to cross the planks haphazardly. With his horse temporarily out of commission, Oscar had to go through the battle on foot. On the deck of the center Begnion ship, Oscar sighed as he watched the others fight the pirates as he watched for any ravens who would dare attack. Currently, all of the crows were only watching the battle, not bothering to join in the fight.

As Oscar stood watch, the green paladin experienced a strange sensation. It seemed as if something was pushing its way gently into Oscar's right pants pocket. Looking down at the growing bulge, Oscar could not help but notice that the strange lump looked suspiciously like—. Shaking his head suddenly to free the thought from his mind, Oscar took a quick glance to make sure no pirates or ravens were nearby before reaching into his pocket and pulling the enigma out of the tan fabric of his pants.

Blinking, Oscar looked down at the yellow armored soldier now standing in front of him, his lance pointed uselessly at the ground and a dazed look in his eyes. The two fighters stared at each other for a moment before the confused soldier shook his head just as Oscar had not long ago.

"Uh," the soldier mumbled, "where am I?"

"I—uh—you—" Oscar stammered, trying to say several things at once.

"Ah, I'm still on the Apostle's ship!" the yellow-clad man murmured, straightening up and lifting his lance. "Wait, are you one of those filthy pirates who are attacking our Empress?" The soldier turned and pointed his lance threateningly towards Oscar.

Looking down at the similar lance in his hand, Oscar shook his head furiously and lowered his own weapon so as not to instigate the strange man to attack. "Ah, no!" the panicked cavalier said quickly, "I'm one of the reinforcements sent by the commander of the holy guard!"

"Oh." the Begnion soldier said, lowering his lethal point from Oscar's body. "Why didn't you explain that earlier?" Before Oscar could answer, the fighter continued. "You know, it's very important to provide your allies with information needed to—"

Noticing more crows joining the fight, Oscar cut the man short with a wave of his hand. "How foolish of me." Oscar said impatiently, "But we are in the middle of a battle, and it seems the ravens have come to the aide of the pirates."

The Begnion soldier turned and saw the giant birds reach the decks of the pirate ship. "Ah, so they have! Filthy Kilvas scum! They shall all fall beneath my blade!" With that, the exited man ran towards the approaching ravens, waving his javelin about.

"Okay then." Oscar mumbled to himself.

Though the mysteries of the strange bulge in the cavalier's pocket and the sudden appearance of the Begnion knight were begging to be pondered, Oscar knew that this was not the time. Perhaps after this whole pirate matter was settled the green-haired paladin would have time to wonder about the happenings of the day.

Readjusting the grip on his lance, Oscar ran towards the enemy ship, eyeing a lone raven perched on the crow's nest wearily. The ebony bird rustled its wings slightly before diving from its position strait towards the unmounted paladin. Only slightly startled, Oscar held his lance in front of him firmly, waiting for the laguz to come within his striking distance.

Instead of continuing its path right into the deadly lance of its enemy, the great bird suddenly swooped upward, over Oscar's head. Oscar stumbled back a few steps as he looked up, not allowing his squinty eyes to leave the raven for a second as it spiraled higher and higher over the ship's deck. The dark laguz turned in the air to dive again, its black wings tucked back against its thin body as it twisted down towards its target.

The bird spread its broad wings, slightly slowing its sharp decent and giving it time to turn itself on Oscar. Talons spread wide, the raven cawed loudly as it finally went in for the first strike. The crow's dive gave the winged warrior enough speed to beat Oscar's reflexes, and its sharp talons cut deep gashes up the Crimean knight's chest and shoulders. Gasping slightly in pain, Oscar fought the urge to hold his wounds and instead watched at the bird turned widely behind him, returning for another strike.

Caught up in the pain of his cuts and the franticness of battle, Oscar failed to notice the strange bulge materializing in his pocket once more.

As the crow leveled itself off from its turn, it failed to notice the small boy tracing its movements with a single outstretched finger. Completely sure of his aim, Rolf released the arrow he was holding. The raven barely had time to realize what had happened before it tumbled clumsily into the ocean, Rolf's arrow piercing its black form.

Giving his older brother a small wave, Rolf pulled another arrow from the quiver strapped to his back and jogged away. Sighing, Oscar quickly went to a place void of fighting to take care of his wounds before they got too bad. As he searched his pockets for a vulnerary, the already shaken paladin jumped when he noticed that the bulge was back. Sighing, Oscar placed his lance carefully next to him pulled out the strange lump, only to find the Begnion soldier from before standing in front of him, looking as dazed and confused as ever.

"Oh, hey, it's you again!" the soldier said once he had regained his senses.

"Where did you come from?" Oscar asked absently, still searching for something to heal his stinging cuts.

"Ah!" the soldier said, his eyes flashing with excitement. "So, there I was, protecting our dear apostle from those craven brigands. Waves of pirates were falling beneath my mighty lance! Grown men were cowering and begging for their mothers! And those dastardly crows! They were—"

Noticing a strange familiarity with the man's manner of speech, Oscar cut the rambling soldier off again.

"I'm sure the crows were scared of your fighting prowess as well." Oscar sighed, "But _how_ did you get here?"

The soldier fell silent and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, twisting his yellow helm from side to side slightly.

"Ahh, to be completely truthful, I have no idea..." the man said, "As I said before, I was beating back the masses of enemies, but then everything went black and here I am!"

Sighing again, the paladin gave up his search for a vulnerary and decided to seek out Rhys' assistance. He lifted his lance and turned his back to the Begnion man. As he took a step towards the Crimean ship, Oscar noticed the strange soldier still standing there, staring at him intently. Fighting the urge to squirm in his armor, Oscar turned back to the man, making no attempt to hide the exasperation in his voice.

"Don't you have something you can do?" catching a glimpse of a diving raven out of the corner of his eye, Oscar continued, "Why don't you go throw your javelin at some crows?"

"Ah!" the soldier exclaimed, "That sounds like an excellent idea!" Once again, the easily exited soldier ran off, brandishing his weapon dangerously.

Sighing for what seemed to be the thousandth time that day, Oscar worked his way back to the Crimean ship where Rhys was wandering the deck, keeping a trained eye out for anyone in need of medical attention. When the green paladin finally did reach the healer's position, the priest was busy tending to Mia who had gotten a nasty cut running down her side that would keep her out for the rest of the battle. The wounded girl sat against the railing of the ship, facing away from the action as she argued with Rhys.

"Oh, c'mon!" the swordmaster mumbled, her fingers plucking at the white bandages wrapped around her torso. "It's not that bad! I can at least make it through this one _little_ fight, right?"

Rhys shook his head with a smile, "If you move around too much, your wound will take longer to close, so you would have to wait for more that just a few days to get back in action." The priest cast a sideways glance in Oscar's direction, "And stop picking at your bandages, that won't help anything either."

Smirking again at the annoyed moan from his patient, Rhys turned to Oscar, staff in hand. Oscar turned his eyes to the priest from Mia had made sure that Rhys wasn't looking before pulling at the tight wrap again.

"So Oscar," the healer said, "did you need something?"

As he always does, Rhys healed Oscar's cuts very quickly and decided that the paladin would be able to finish the battle without causing further damage. As Oscar bent over to retrieve his lance once again, Mia started to try to convince Rhys one last time that she was fine and didn't need to sit out.

"See?" she said, flailing her arms about, "Oscar's fine to keep fighting, but I—" the young swordmaster's sentence cut off abruptly as her violet eyes locked onto Oscar.

Curious to see why talkative Mia had stopped so suddenly, Oscar looked back up just in time to see a wide grin spread across the woman's face.

"So, uh Oscar," Mia said, her smile never faltering, "is that a vulnerary in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

Nearly jumping out his armor, Oscar looked down not only to hide the redness seeping its way across his face, but also to look for the 'vulnerary'. Just as he had feared, the mysterious bulge was back, and larger than it had been so far. Trying his best to ignore Mia's loud laughter, Oscar turned and ran back to the Begnion ship, noticing that even Rhys was chuckling quietly.

Once Oscar reached a place that he deemed safe, he reached into his pocket and yanked the blasted bulge out of his pants. Just as he had expected, the Begnion soldier was suddenly in front of him, not looking so much confused as annoyed.

"You!" the man shouted, banging the shaft of his javelin on the wooden deck of the ship, "Why do you plague me? Why do you keep me from defending our beloved apostle? Why, man, why?! Answer me!"

Keeping a hand on his lance just in case the already agitated man turned violent, Oscar tried to keep his tone as calm as possible, "Believe me," despite his best attempts, Oscar could not hide the annoyance in his voice, "if I knew, I would put a stop to it. Yet somehow—be it a work of the goddess—you are constantly appearing in my pocket. How it works, I am left clueless. Why it's happening, I have no idea. But I think it would be best for both of us if we simply tried to ignore it."

The soldier narrowed his eyes, but said nothing, and after a short pause, was back on the front lines, albeit with less excitement than before. Oscar closed his eyes and tried to calm himself. Every time the soldier appeared, Oscar felt less in control of the situation. Oscar, being the way he is, happens to enjoy being in control, and when that small power is taken away, he can't help but get nervous.

Casting one last glance at his pants, Oscar decided to ask Ike if he could sit out. He figured that the pirates were nearly gone anyway, and the paladin wouldn't be much help any more. Finding himself once more on the Crimean ship, Oscar avoided Mia and Rhys as he made his way to the commander.

Spotting the blue-haired man watching Volke open up a chest, Oscar took a deep breath and checked his pants one more time. The enigmatic thief didn't look up from his work as Ike turned to the company cook, his hand ruffling through his hair briefly before speaking.

"So, Oscar, did you need something?" the commander asked, looking down at Volke out of the corner of his eye.

"Ah, yes Ike." Oscar murmured, also watching the dark man pick the lock on the chest, "I was wondering if I could sit this one out."

"What's the matter?" Ike asked, not willing to keep Volke's sticky fingers out of his sight.

"Um, well, I've been having a... problem with something, and it is keeping me from performing my best." Oscar explained, deciding it best to leave out the magically appearing soldier.

"A problem with something? What kind of something?" The commander's blue eyes finally turned all the way to Oscar.

"Ah, well... I don't think what's wrong is really important, but rather that I can't concentrate with...it."

"What is it? I might be able to help you out."

"I'd rather not..." Oscar was fearful that Ike would think that he was merely hallucinating, or perhaps a bit touched in the head.

"Oh, come on." Ike said, looking down at Volke who had just gotten the chest open. "If it's something too serious, you might need more than just a short break."

"Hmm..." Oscar mumbled, taking advantage of Ike's distractedness and checking his pocket once more for the mysterious bulge. "As long as you don't think I'm crazy_, _or tell anyone else."

"Yeah, sure." Ike said, taking a worn scroll from Volke after handing over a small jingling pouch.

"Well, I seem to have a... little soldier in my pants."

Ike slowly looked up from the yellowed paper to the paladin, narrowing his eyes skeptically and opening his mouth to speak, only to close it again after a moment. Thinking back on the situation afterwords, Oscar realized that he could have worded his statement much better than he did, but of course he had spoken before he really had the chance to think about how he went about explaining his problem. Finally, after many failed attempts at speech, Ike finally took a deep breath and let the scroll sink to his side.

"You know, Oscar," Ike started, studying the green armored man carefully as he spoke, "most healthy men _do_ have a little soldier in their pants... I mean, unless they lost it in an accident or something..."

Once more, the two men fell silent, and after a few moments, Ike shrugged and returned to the Begnion ship to check on the status of the pirates and ravens leaving Oscar alone with Volke. The strange man walked past Oscar, patting the distressed paladin's shoulder as he strolled by.

Sighing for the last time that day, Oscar followed and ended up searching the ships for the missing apostle. Oscar never saw the strange soldier again, yet he couldn't help but fear that one day, the ever persistent bulge would return...

* * *

_So, my sister was going through chapter 13, and she was getting mad at the ally units because they were getting in the way. She ended up having anyone who could start to rescue them to get the soldiers out of her path. Eventually she forgot that Oscar was carrying a soldier, and when she went to have said paladin wait, she noticed a random soldiers in Oscar's pocket. _

_The next one is probably going to be_ _Boyd: Keeper of the Keys, unless I happen to have forgotten one that I planned to do before, which might be possible. __Also, if you happen to be particularly fond of this story, go to my profile and vote for it in my poll to show that you want one of my precious updates to be spent on this! Anyways, don't forget to review!_


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